Nukie (1987) Reviews

• This movie needs a friend!

  ubik-112002-11-05

  Nukie. It's a bad E.T. ripoff filmed in Africa, with production (and some footage) handled in Germany. It's in English, so I'm not sure where the targeted market was. Nukie and his brother Meeko are ugly little aliens with big heads and runny noses who fly through space using some sort of personal energy rather than ships. They are tempted by the beauty of the earth, fly too close, and crash. Nukie lands in Africa and is relatively unharmed; Meeko lands in the United States and is immediately picked up by NASA. At least, I think it's NASA. Its logo appears in several places, but the stock-footage building exterior is definitely not NASA. Nor is it ever called `NASA'. It's called the Space Foundation. And there are beer cans in the break room! But since NASA is the only space agency in the U.S., that's what it has to be. Scene after scene begins with an exterior shot of `NASA'. The voice-over gives the date and time (sometimes the times don't synch with the amount of daylight shown), and more often than not he follows with `nothing unusual to report' before telling us that Meeko has escaped or some such. If that's not unusual, I don't know what is. While Meeko suffers in America, Nukie meets the quirky inhabitants of a small village in Africa. He befriends twin boys named Tookie and Tiko, and a chimp named Charlie. Nukie and the boys search for `America', which they think is the name of the evil-doer who is holding Meeko. They must avoid an American chopper pilot working for NASA (watch out - he's a `player'), local poachers, and a pesky nun (Glynis Johns) while they do so. It all ends happily, of course, because this is a kids' movie. Nukie and Meeko fly into space amidst stock footage of fireworks, and they bring along one of their new friends from Earth. Who is the friend? You'll have to watch the movie to find out! The producers must've expected a big demand for Nukie merchandise, because every time the word appears it has the little `TM' after it. `Nukie' is trademarked, for crying out loud; none may use his name without permission. I doubt the demand for merchandise materialized, otherwise we might be seeing Nukie lunchboxes and action figures for sale in thrift stores. People don't believe me when I tell them this, but I kind of like Nukie. Did you ever have a friend who was your friend just because you felt sorry for them? I like Nukie because I feel sorry for it. I think it needs a friend.

• This is the worst movie I've ever seen

  danzorz2004-02-21

  Here's what I can say: this movie is SO BAD. NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SEE THIS MOVIE. I try to see all the bad movies I can, and this tops them all. It's not even funny to mock, it's just that bad. It's a test of patience. Even if you think you wanna see this movie, you really don't. I'll leave you with a bit of the wit from this movie; while the scientists are taking miko's pulse with the x-ray machine, they still don't know whether he's an animal, mineral, or vegetable. Go back over that last sentence again. Yes. That actually does happen in the movie. Honestly, when I finally finished this movie I felt like dying(it took me a while because I watched about the first half hour and needed to stop on account of the utter idiocy of this movie). It is terrible. I can't stress that enough. And now I speak directly to the people who like watching bad movies: I know you've seen movie that people have told you not to see, but skip this one. It hurts to watch.

• Must be seen to be believed.

  potatoman48062006-02-01

  This film is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. I still cannot believe how horrible this movie was. The acting was terrible. The sound was painful. The camera never moved. This film is the exact opposite of everything a good movie is. Nukie is painful enough to make small children cower in the corner for days and make grown men weep. I watched this film with my little brother and we had to stop 30 minutes in because he was literally getting sick to his stomach. By all means, if you watch this movie do NOT watch it alone or in the vicinity of sharp objects. This film is only for those who are brave of heart. Therapy may be needed after viewing.

• Most Painful Movie Ever Made

  DontTreadOnMe_BS2004-03-17

  Nukie is widely regarded as the worst/most painful movie ever made. No one who has seen it denies this assertion. It tops even the infamous Manos: the Hands of Fate. As a result, it has a bit of a cult following, the way Kali, the Hindu goddess of death has a bit of a cult following. The astounding thing about Nukie is its ability to cram so much stupidity into so little time. You find yourself watching a scene, realizing that every line and every action is utterly without merit, wishing the scene would just END--then it does, and a new scene begins, equally stupid, and you realize that the last scene's eternity was really only about 30 seconds long, and this movie is about 90 minutes. That's when you look for pointy objects to thrust violently into sensitive body parts as a distraction. The other thing about Nukie, the one that leaves me in awe, is its ability to top itself in brain-killing idiocy. The movie crushes Barney's foolishness 30 seconds in, stomps Teletubbies in minutes, and after that, it's home free in the race for cerebral vacuum creation. Despite this, every 15 minutes--or less--a scene comes along which makes your jaw drop as it rockets the movie to a new depth of idiocy. Just when you think the movie has reached its nadir, a character begins dancing, or one of the aliens demonstrates a new power, or the computer learns a new lesson about feelings, and your brain tries to escape the pain by squeezing out of your skull through the pores in the bone. It's a truly unique experience.

• Without hesitation, the worst movie I have ever seen.

  jedburg2005-08-20

  I have seen many movies in my time, many good, many bad. About 2 years ago my friends and I began watching films that could fall under the "so bad it's good" category, an often amusing, but none the less hit and miss approach to entertainment. After much thought I have concluded that 'Nukie' is in a class entirely of its own. 'Nukie' is in ways astonishing, in that it seems to melt the brain of those that watch it into a messy syrup. What makes Nukie so brutally awful is hard to pinpoint, but the main issues seem to be in the characters, and the overall pace of the movie. The characters are nauseating to say the least, with the tortured, draining whimpers of aliens' Nukie and Miko becoming a motif throughout the course of the film. The Nukie costume is an assault on the senses, with a vulgar 'groin bump' and Hitler snot too, the 'hero' is not the cute extra-terrestrial the videos box promises at all. The plot is non existent, and whenever the story seems to be getting somewhere something horrific happens that seems to shoot down all the progress that damn alien has made (if any). Whats more, 'Nukie' has the bizarre quality of slowing down time, making this the most agonizing 95 minutes of you life. I bought a 'Nukie' video for $2 and was hoping for a movie to tear to pieces with my friends. We lasted about 20 minutes before it got us. I think others who have seen this will understand. Not only is 'Nukie' the worst film I have seen, it is the worst film I will EVER see. Be prepared. Miko!