Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (2008) Reviews

• Pumpkinhead Stuffed with Anaconda and Alligator

  claudio_carvalho2009-11-09

  In the countryside, the boy Alan and his friend Becky steal a creepy wooden box with a powerful voodoo stick inside from his voodooistic neighbor. When the boy draws with the stick, his drunken father is attacked by a snake and vanishes. Years later, Alan (Louis Herthum) and Becky (Lisa Arnold) are married to each other; while planting some flowers to celebrate the death of Alan's mother, Becky finds the box buried in the garden and she keeps the stick in her pocket. Meanwhile, five shithead friends are traveling in the monster truck drinking beer. The driver accidentally runs over Becky, but believes he had hit an animal. When Alan witnesses the hit-and-run and sees his wife dead, he uses the stick seeking revenge against the youngsters. Later Alan regrets the use of the Kulev stick to bring Lockjaw to seek revenge and decides to help the teenagers to kill the serpent. The lame "Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent" is a terrible movie, with a story that is a rip-off of the storyline of "Pumpkinhead" (a redneck that seeks revenge after the death of his wife (instead of son) by reckless teenagers from the big city) with a snake that recalls "Anaconda" with "Aligator" head. Most of the lines are laughable and near ridiculous and the CGI effects are very poor. My vote is three. Title (Brazil): "Magia Negra" ("Black Magic")

• Lousy movie about a snake with an alligators head being used for voodoo vengeance

  dbborroughs2009-05-17

  (aka DMX Carnivorous. That is actual title on version I saw) Kid steals a voodoo pen that will cause what ever is drawn with it to be destroyed by a giant alligator like serpent. years later the pen is used by a man to get revenge on the kids who ran over his wife. Only DMX as the son of the man who had the pen before it was stolen can save the kids. Very silly horror movie that is yet another CGI snake killing people film. Its also a poor rip off of Pumpkinhead and any number of other films you've seen. What can I say this isn't a good movie. the actors try but the monster stuff and the convulsions of the plot work against it. My reaction while watching this was why am I watching this? I didn't know. you know you're in trouble when an 80 minute film seems to be heavily padded. I'd take a pass and avoid this film.

• A really messed up snake movie

  Newsense2008-08-21

  I don't know why I do it to myself with these crummy low budget horror flicks. I could say that this is the worst low budget horror movie in 2008 but the year is not over yet. Spoiler: Here is the whole movie in a nutshell: Paul Cade as a child steals a voodoo pen from a voodoo priest and drew a picture of a snake eating his father and the magical pen brings the snake to life and it does what it was drawn to do. Years later Paul grows up and is married and his wife is killed by hit and run accident caused by brainless suburbanites that make those horny teens in all those Friday The 13th flicks look like geniuses. Paul draws the snake again and it comes to life trying to kill all those kids and everybody in their path. Paul calls on the help of Nick(played by rapper DMX), the son of the voodoo priest whose pen Paul stole. to stop what he started. Opinion: This movie is such a wannabe of Anaconda its pathetic. Think about it. Anaconda is about a killer snake, this "movie" is about a killer snake and they both star rappers in them. The only difference is that Anaconda had some form of suspense and Jon Voight to steal the show. The acting here is atrocious. Everybody is so wooden that you want to slice them open and count the rings. Even DMX gives a wooden performance here and I didn't even think that that was possible! I cant blame him though. The script must have been written by overzealous tween-agers because it sure sounds like it and the special effects are terrible as well. The CGI snake looks like dog droppings molded and shaped to look like a snake. every aspect of this movie fails. If you like watching bad movies try something else. This is not even so bad its good camp. Its so bad its shameful camp and is bad enough to make you question your own existence. Don't waste 76 minutes of your life like I did. Learn from my mistake and try something else!

• comatose morons barely brighter than the CGI-crap thing

  demolitionmachine2009-11-19

  What a god awful waste of time and television broadcasting bandwidth. This movie is an IQ test . . . if you watch, you fail. I thought nothing could be worse than Bone Eater... I was wrong. Nothing could possibly be worse than Mutants... I stand corrected. There were so many things wrong with this movie, not the least of which was the acting, there's just everywhere to start, and nowhere to finish. I've seen more realistic responses from a corpse than those generated by the rejects performing in this piece of trash. Why would anyone in the movie-making business let their name be associated with this thing? Anyway, do yourself a favor, sidle up to a piece of metal and watch rust develop... you'll be far happier.

• A very lackluster creature feature clunker

  Woodyanders2009-06-24

  Alan Cade (decently played by Louis Herthum) conjures up a giant lethal snake to bump off the five teenagers who accidentally killed his wife Becky (a regrettably brief turn by the appealing Lisa Arnold) with their jeep. It's up to special ops vet Nick Kirabo (an extremely flat and wooden performance by rap singer DMX) to stop the gigantic reptilian beast before it's too late. Poorly directed by Amir Valinia, with slack pacing, highly variable acting, tin-eared dialogue (sample line: "You guys are total porklines"), laughably lousy CGI effects (the snake resembles a huge brown lump of excrement), a grindingly predictable plot (it's very easy to figure out who's going to live or die), and a limp and unexciting climax, this sour lemon of a dud crucially lacks the necessary trashy vigor to rate as a fun bad movie. Worse yet, the majority of the teens are grossly intolerable and obnoxious tools: Caleb Michaelson as the jerky Kurt, David Pullman as the equally repellent Clayton, Victoria Vodar as slutty blonde bimbo Ashley, and Derrick Denicola as annoying skateboarder Winston are all so utterly hateful that you just don't care what happens to them, thus negating any suspense this picture might have had. Since most of said characters drink booze and make out, they're obviously dead meat from the get go. Only Wes Brown as nice guy nerd Kelly and Lauren Fain as the sweet Sam offer some light relief. You know a film is exceptionally lame when the hot chick keeps her top on during the obligatory gratuitous simulated sex scene. A complete wash-out.