Hooligans at War: North vs. South (2015) Reviews

• Perhaps The Worst British Film I've Seen In My Entire Life

  Theo Robertson2015-04-14

  Sometimes I get the opportunity to watch a newly released film for free . I almost feel guilty about this sometimes . Almost . Honestly I do and when a new British movie comes out like last years heart pounding thriller '71 the least I can do is give it my support and hand over my money at the cinema and feel a burst of jingoistic pride that I've contributed to British film making . If I don't do this once in a while I feel I've committed an act of high treason so just imagine how I felt when I didn't pay to see HOOLIGANS AT WAR . Guilty with a capital G-U-I-L- T and Y . As soon as the opening credits finished I started becoming aware of something - if the makers of this piece of unwatchable compost don't recompense me 40 minutes of my life I wasted watching this they should be hanging their heads in utter shame The film starts with a flashback to a British army camp in Bosnia 5 years ago and involves a battle scene . This will be in 2010 . SFOR had been replaced by EUFOR six years earlier and despite having never set foot in the country I can tell you there was no fighting between local militias and EUFOR soldiers going on in 2010 . I'm pretty sure Bosnia no longer has local ethnic militias that the country was notorious for in the 1990s . I suppose we can overlook this and the totally amateur production values if it sets up the story Hold on there's another flashback after this as the basic training regiment in the mess hall . Mess halls at these locations are normally large halls crowded with young men in their late teens and early twenties with a hairstyle of number two at the sides and back and a number four cut on top . Not here where there's an intake of about a dozen men and they're all aged in their late twenties to mid thirties with various hairstyles and many of them are obvious salad dodgers who'd have trouble walking to the bus stop never minding lumping sixty pounds of equipment on their back up a steep hill . They're so hopeless at trying to convince us they're soldiers they wouldn't even get in to the local airsoft club because even they have standards . In fact the acting is so bad I wondered how any of them managed to get in to the Equity union . I'm not saying the acting is bad what I'm saying is that it's non existent and the casting must be some sort of joke In fact the whole movie must be some sort of joke ! Sorry did I say movie ? I should have said "thing" and just left it at that because I'd be misleading you if I give the impression that this is going to get any distribution deal . HOOLIGANS AT WAR is obviously shot on a camcorder with a non professional cast and feels like it's trying to parody the likes of Guy Ritchie with a freeze frame and a voice over explaining who the character is . That's the only bit that really works but truth to be told it's really stealing someone elses idea . Really I know it's a cliché when people say "worst movie ever" but this is possibly the worst British film I've ever commentated on in all my years on this website . I've always been fair when reviewing a movie but there is not one saving grace about this film which I turned off after 40 minutes . Believe me if I don't watch a film until the end credits comes up that tells you everything. If someone got out an I-pod and filmed their drunken mates ad libbing an unscripted story as it went along then that would be a more satisfying cinematic film than the thing going under the title of HOOLIGANS AT WAR I am now owed 40 minutes of my life back and I know that the makers of this thing have visited the page - they're ones who gave it a rating of more than one out of ten ! ETA May 2015 . Thanks for the nice message Chris and better luck next time

• Don't bother.

  kingymech2015-04-14

  I will watch anything and I mean anything from Gilgi to Titanic to Platoon to American sniper it doesn't matter how good or how bad or what type of film it is ill give it a bash. Wow what to say about this film, maybe I'll tell the people I don't like to watch it to make myself feel good. What I can say is bad acting, REALLY bad military interaction with likes to Uniforms, weapon systems terminology all round big no no's (BBC's My Girl style) There are too many films that are trying to use the military (my opinion) to boost the story line. There is one bit of the film where the CGI is that bad it's like a flash game on the internet. Poor story line weak main characters, I just wanted to the film to end I didn't care what happened. Sorry, but try again.

• I recommend everyone watch this, just to make you appreciate every other film you hate

  vatlva2016-02-21

  After watching this irksome low-budget production, I scanned over the reviews already on here, bad and good. The positive ones name drop the directors and one or two other performers, but mainly someone who happens to be director, writer and performer. Really? In this case it might be better not drawing attention to individuals. I hardly think that potential future investors in projects involving any of these people will be motivated to open their wallets by these positive so-called reviews given all the positives appear at the bottom of the page and the negatives appear at the top. It would surely be easier for people to fiddle the anonymous ratings or 'thumb-down' the real reviews rather than making things up and praying for the best outcome? Most intelligent people can spot a fake or dubious review a mile off anyway I would imagine, given that I know I can. This is cheap, in almost every way. From the amateurishly recorded cockney voice-over (used in every single gangster film these days but for a different reason here) to the fact that the outdoor army scenes were filmed in the park next to where the pub scenes were filmed - clearly. Some money must have been spent on it somewhere along the way but it appears there are a lot of people in this who probably worked for free. The main characters are really low-quality actors who are unlikely to ever see the light at the end of the tunnel in the world of cinema if they carry on involving themselves in productions as horrid as this. The story itself has already been covered on this page so I won't go into it, but the appaulingness of it all has to be seen to be believed, but hopefully not by anyone I love. I for one can not believe how some men and women have so much free time on their hands they are able to waste it chucking together this mound of everything that could possibly be bad in cinema. Bad directors. Bad actors - even the Best Boy needs a quiet word had. As mentioned, one of the directors wrote this and plays the main character so says it all, really. This isn't supposed to be a comedy, but there were some laugh-out-loud moments in it which I appreciated, however unintentional they must have been. The segment halfway through where a bunch of fat men jump out of a car to perform an act of armed robbery on a wagon driver was 100% utter hilarity. Because the vast majority of the performers and extras (try differentiating between the two, its tough) are so laughably overweight and unfit, they actually sped up the footage to make it look like they were exiting the vehicle faster than they were able so for a few seconds it looked like something out of The Benny Hill Show. All that was needed was Yakety Sax on the soundtrack and this could have been a real comedy. It didn't stop there. Two thirds of the way through, there is a scene where some overweight, puffed out, tight clothed, absolutely unbelievable combat troops are surveying an abandoned building - somewhere in Eastern Europe. Problem is, the film is so disrespectful to it's audience they didn't even bother to get rid of the 'R' reg British registration plates from the Iveco truck prop they had borrowed from the breakers. Disgraceful. Really, really bad. I must add as well that although I love combat films, having recently had the privilege of seeing the much unknown Hyena Road (a real film which cost more than a fiver) I resent someone trying to convince me that a squad of British soldiers would all (and I mean ALL) be at least 4 stone overweight. How would they cope in a real combat situation? Fat people like this would not pass basic training in the United Kingdom armed forces and the attempt to convince anyone otherwise is farcical and unrealistic. Its no wonder our forces are regarded by some other countries as a joke. I hope no-one out there has the bad luck to watch this and think this is what its really like. God Almighty. The film ventures too far into the realms of fantasy and I can tell you from experience that a 20 stone overweight trooper walking around in this day and age in any part of the world refusing to wear a chin strap, refusing to carry his rifle and simultaneously trying to anger and wind up his mates in a seriously dangerous combat situation would not happen in a million years. He would have been filtered out early on after filling out his application form with his sausage fingers and would probably be in military prison or sucking his lard through a straw after almost being beaten to death by a bunch of squad-mates using bars of soap inside socks. Its all just so unrealistic. Never mind the hooligan part of the film. Because they only employed fat men of indeterminate vintage, just about all of the characters blend into one and it's generally impossible to tell one from the other, which I would imagine is the reason for the joke voice-over to try to remind viewers who is who. All except that is the main performer whose character is called 'Chris'. He has at least an allover short back and sides, not a cropped hairstyle and so stands out - but not in a good way. My suggestion would be to remain in the fatigues and hide in some long reeds. I would suggest a good way to get these intended future Oscar winners to stand out and be different from the other people in the film would be to have some acting ability. Either that or go back to working in Halfords. It would be a far less painful and more enjoyable experience for anyone interested in cinema.

• Got to be a joke!

  collioure_bee2015-04-17

  All I wanted to say about this dreadful waste of time is that it is laughably bad, but apparently I need to use more words than that. Everything about this film is terrible. The acting, directing, script, storyline, soundtrack. There is no tension, no depth in the characters or script and the fight scenes are like something off Magic Roundabout. Even after overlooking the historical inaccuracies of the scenes in Bosnia this is just one massive joke. And the joke was on me sitting right through it. Not one of the actors in this would get a decent part in a local am dram group. Yes, it is low budget but that is no excuse, I've seen many decent films on a low budget This film just looks like it was a load of mates with a poor quality camera just playing about. An utter waste of time.

• A truly predictable film

  gxxy2016-01-11

  I have to say that I did push myself to the bitter end of the film to give it a chance. I appreciate that the budget was small but come on, there were times when I laughed out loud at how bad it was. Wooden acting and a horrifying montage of North South accents. I'd give this film a very wide berth. If it didn't go straight to DVD then I'm surprised. A not so typical south London gangster type film with all the stereotypes that we have come to enjoy or not. There have been a few reviews of this film already and some even praising the film for its attributes and merits. I will save you having to endure the worst 1hr 33mins of my life.