Darkside Witches (2015) Reviews

• Oh the PAIN and Mental damage one must sustain.

  bernardlcrawford2015-05-30

  I actually found myself watching a movie in the early morning hours by the name of "Darkside Witches." It's predecessor named "The Really Nice and Spunky Eastside Witches" is about a wondrous group of likable witches that help the elderly, make tasty treats for bake sales and do magic tricks at kids birthday parties and was only seen by three people. One of those people was my next door neighbor who temporarily lost his sight for a week after viewing it. The film has been confiscated and placed in an impenetrable vault by the military for use at a later date. "Darkside Witches" is a completely inane and incompetently Italian film that IF you make it through to the end you will have a similar reaction to mine. My first thought was "What the HELL was that?" The director/writer/ janitor (Yes he did it all) could not make up his mind whether to make a horror movie or a porno movie. I must admit a fascination for the sex portion of the movie since it is badly dubbed and I found myself laughing at the inane dialogue. Is dialogue REALLY necessary for a porn scene? Obviously some of the actors are employed in the porn industry. Here are various variables I learned about life as I watched this particular movie. That people do have only their reality and a small portion of it shared. Two police officers and the town's mayor all clearly see a 300 pound demonic reptilian quadruped jump from the bushes just ten feet from where they are carrying on a conversation and it even roars at them menacingly. Does that phase them? No.The youngest officer later in the movie has this beast run across the road in front of him as he is driving at night. He makes a comment to his passenger about the "Strange dog." RIGHT! All demonic voices with NO exception in every horror movies features a voice digitally lowered 3 octaves or more and has a flanged effect integrated. Just once I would love to hear a normal voice speak or how about something completely different, a high pitched voice or a speech impediment. Witches when in the process of being burned at the stake by the inquisition shoot into the night sky as dark cylinders that explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The inquisitors just stood there and said "Ooooh" and "Awwww" as the sky lit up in various colors their mouth agape. Priest can be heinously burned and still proceed in their duties as a priest. Just wrap yourself up like a mummy with the exception of the mouth and one eye. Do not care it is disconcerting to the congregation that you never change the bandages and they are appallingly soaked and stained with blood and seeping fluid. Who cares? I will take communion from that nasty ass hand you are holding the communion wafer in! Witches have a certain wardrobe agenda when approaching that very special end of the world and Satan is going to be in control ceremony. It is made clear it is a very small Italian village. All the witches with the exception of the coven leader are all wearing very elaborately created leather outfits. They must have traveled a vast distance to have these tailored made. Satan apparently loves leather. One was wearing white leather after Labor Day which is a fashion big no-no. Always have a science person with you when fighting the forces of evil so that they can utilize complex equipment to attempt to give alternate explanations for the parallel dimensions you are being dragged into while assailed by demons. Not a good time to be doing research utilizing calculation, postulations and conjecture to arrive at a cogent possibility. Priest are much more effective against the powers of darkness when wearing a leather riding duster and looking like he should have a half smoked stogie in his mouth via Clint Eastwood. I almost half expected the score to be written by Ennio Morricone. I love his scores. Our hero should have been "The priest with no name!" These are just a few of the joys that encompass this film. All in all it is a completely enigmatic, incomprehensible hodgepodge of bad acting, bad CGI work and it is left open ended for a sequel. OH joy!

• Not just stupid

  Lokisgodhi2015-05-10

  This movie wasn't just stupid, it was beyond stupid. The graphics s/f/x looked like they were done by a child on a home computer. I've honestly seen movies created by kids on you-tube which featured better graphics. The storyline was inane and convoluted. There was nothing about it that was unique. It makes Quentin Tarantino's rip off scripts look good, which is a monumental task. The casting looked like they just hired a bunch of porn actors and actresses for scale. The characters were trite and superficial. There was nothing about them that made you empathize with them or root for them. The actor who played the lead 'hero' priest looked like a refugee from a mobster movie. I can't believe anyone actually thought it would be a good business decision to pay to dub this Italian production film into English so it could be released in the US. Dealing drugs would have been a better decision. Don't waste your time.

• There's no boundaries to push, yet tries to shock and fails

  ernesti2015-07-09

  I was surprised to see anything coming from Italy these days and oh well, I was very disappointed to see how distasteful this film is. Many B- movies of the 60's and 70's were made with a sense of style and with a heart. Most of them didn't feature pornographic nudity and are now pretty much innocent by today's standards. Still they're not movies for the whole family. The makers of this film surely didn't think twice about what kind of nudity in a film is acceptable if they're making a serious film. It's really an insult to say that this is a homage to the old B- flicks. The old movies were made professionally, they had professional writers, even professional directors, professional actors, professional crew. Many even had high production values of that day and still look stunning and many films were Italian. And when you compare to this, 2 million dollars doesn't appear to be money well spent if that was the budget. I can't understand why the makers obviously wanted to push the boundaries in this day and age when just about anything is acceptable in a film. This movie even makes contemporary Argento films look so much better.

• It was good.

  sssmsabir2015-04-30

  I love Horror and Fantasy film. After watching this I was a bit disturbed and surprised, for the intense final and the twisted plot. I never knew what was happening next, and I got some thrilling moments, that isn't a bad thing for an horror I think. The story of the movie is interesting, at first it may seem naive and hard to follow, but at the end it gets it's point. It's based on true tale of witchcraft and Inquisition. The film recounts how these women were burned at the stake get revenge with the help of a demon. The music from Claudio Simonetti (Suspiria, Deep Red etc) is also good and chilling sometimes. CGI and graphics are very good, with some good animation and creatures and some hell scenery really well done. So many shocking moments like the witch ripping off the p***s of a brute in a bar, and a lot of boobs! All in all a real good unconventional dirty horror indie flick. I would recommend it to every crazy film lovers, you won't get bored.

• The good thing about this movie is that I got free sweets

  BerryCat2016-01-23

  That movie was part of our cinemas "Midnight Movie" feature where you get to see a B or even independent movie for 5 bucks and you receive a voucher for sweets in the same value. Sometimes you'll see great films but like in this case ... the sweets saved my evening. Story: There's one maybe. But I didn't get it. The cuts are so fast that you sometimes don't understand where you are and esp. when. That wont help you to understand the story. The cuts are so fast that you can't follow where the characters are. SPOILER: There's one scene in which the priest talks to his supervisor which wants him to fight evil once more. Than a cut appears and you'll see a empty chair and hear a woman's voice who talks to the same supervisor and both talk about the fighting priest like he's sitting next to her. Characters: There are a bunch of characters, but most of them are not introduced, so you don't care if they die or what their purpose is. There's a group around the priest that just pops in, they might been fighting evil a very long time together but you don't feel it and they act very weird. The most thing what really confused me is, that this group gets one more member during the movie which pops in during a fight and he acts like he was there the whole time. Effects: The effects are very badly animated. They monsters look blurry, which makes it hard to identify what it is. The blood seems to be put over the picture which covers the wound so that they didn't need to made it up. Dialogues: The voices sound like disappointed porn actors, which gave me a good lough. Conclusion: Watch a porn when you would like to the boobs or some nice booty. You'll have some good loughs with the German voice actors but the only good thing about this movie is, that I got some free sweets :3